he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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