We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
