So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
