i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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