Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
