if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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