once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
