Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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