dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
