Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
