can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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