With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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