i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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