Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The uberlube is also flammable
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
