I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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