nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
