Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
