He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
