Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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