I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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