I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
