Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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