I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
