My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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