How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
