i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
