I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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