I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
