I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
