I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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