I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
