I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
