I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
