I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
