WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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