Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
