It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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