Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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