About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
