So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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