Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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