i permit you to call me
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
