I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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