I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
