I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
i think i just lost a toe
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
