We're facebook friends in real life
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
