So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
