The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
