fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
