next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Shame - the story of my life.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
