Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
