Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
