I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
